I am a very insecure person and it just plays havoc with my mind. My husband and I have been married 15 years (this month on the 17th) and I have always been a jealous person. My husband is a fit, in shape very good looking man. Me on the other hand…I’m a little on the fluffier side and I just don’t feel I am all that pretty. I have never been a real make up wearer or someone that spends a lot of time on my hair. Being a former hair stylist made it to where I had to be everyday, but now my job I have now I have gone out of that routine. I am always scared my husband is going to leave me for a better woman, a prettier woman, a woman that can give him a family that I can’t. That is where my insecurities with myself eat me alive. I have had an extremely hard time this last few months and the last couple of weeks have really overwhelmed me to the point I will just start sobbing and crying out of no where. I just feel instant sad or anger and just so so lonely. He tells me he isn’t going anywhere and I have his heart, but I still have that sinking feeling. I feel like I have started to become an option in his life and not a priority and that terrifies me….
The past week has been such a struggle, I have turned into such a nightmare for myself and my husband. There has been blow outs all caused by me and I still feel so angry and confused inside. I have made myself physically sick and just mentally unfocused and drained. I cry to the point I just sob and can’t stop. I hate feeling this way!!! Some day soon when I have it together I can get it all out, until then I will just be lost…
Today just sucked, all day. It didn’t help that I went to bed last night pissed off, so I woke up still pissed off. The entire day just went in the tank, no matter what I did it just didn’t help. I feel like going to bed and bawling my eyes out until I fall asleep.
My name is Sheena, I recently turned 35. I don’t even know where to begin with this, but I need to get things out there. Whether anyone listens or not I have to just blurt everything out to prevent myself from self-imploding onto myself. For a while I have thought of blogging or writing a diary but just pushed it aside, but I feel I am to the point I cannot talk to anyone about how I feel so I have to get it out of my head somewhere.
I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my insecurities, but who wouldn’t be when you are less than standard physically? When you know there are physically better looking people out there. I lose sleep every night. I take sleeping pills just so I can sleep and not have to think about life. I can’t focus at work because all my mind does it think and ruin my mood. It’s frustrating, demoralizing, and just plain saddening. What’s worse is feeling I have done all of this to myself and I completely deserve it.
Until next time….